A Lonely Loss: How to Cope with a Miscarriage

One of the most difficult things I have had to deal with in life was the loss of my unborn children. The feelings of pain, loss, and confusion were only followed by feelings of failure and shame. It was a long journey for me learning how to cope with a miscarriage. Through that journey I learned that it may feel like a long tunnel while you’re going through it, but there’s a light at the end and you can come through it a stronger person.

With my first miscarriage, I had not told very many people that I was pregnant so when I lost the baby I felt like I was going through it alone. I didn’t think people would understand and I did know how to cope with a miscarriage. I didn’t think they would understand the attachment that had developed in just a few short weeks and the range of emotions I was experiencing. It was difficult to navigate all of it alone and it took me much longer to get through it than the second time around.

My second miscarriage happened while we were going through IVF, so many of our close friends and family knew about it. I still experienced the same feelings of loss and failure, but with the support that I had it was much easier to get through. I also found additional comfort in my faith. My husband and I turned to the Bible together and I was able to find peace in knowing that God had a plan for us.

Don’t Go Through It Alone

Whether you are in a position similar to my first experience or you have more support like my second experience, know that you don’t have to go through it alone. The ways I was able to get through my miscarriages are very similar to the ways I dealt with infertility in general. Your spouse, parents, friends, a therapist, or even groups online can be great resources through such a difficult time. Build a support group that you are comfortable with. There may be specific people that you turn to with some things and others that are more supportive with other aspects, so decide who is the best resource for you in each aspect of your journey.

Look For Positives To Help With Emotions

Don’t be ashamed of the emotions that come up, whatever they are. One of the most surprising things that came up for me was the feeling of not being good enough. I felt like my body wasn’t good enough to carry a child and that I wasn’t good enough to be a parent. Work through things like that with the support system you create. Be open to opportunities that present themselves during these difficult times and look for the positive in your life.

My first miscarriage helped me to realize how unhealthy the relationship was that I was in and gave me the strength to finally get out of it. The second time around, my husband and I grew closer together and I was able to take advantage of new work opportunities. Focusing on these types of positives and realizing that this was all part of my journey to parenthood helped me to become a much stronger person. Don’t feel bad allowing yourself to be happy about things during this time.

What About Future Pregnancies?

Another thing to remember is that it is completely normal to be scared about future pregnancies. After my second miscarriage, I was afraid of losing another baby so we decided to pursue adoption instead of continuing with IVF.

When I found out that I was pregnant again, I was excited and terrified all at the same time. My husband and I went into every doctor visit worried that we would get bad news. I was afraid to get too excited because I didn’t want that excitement to be ripped away from me like it had in the past. If you experience these emotions, it’s ok. Turn to your support group again and take things one step at a time.

Click here to read more about my experience being pregnant with a rainbow baby.

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